So you’re a man now. You have the world at your finger tips. You’ve watched The Secret Of My Success and you own several garments of stone-washed clothing.

There are four things in life that make you a man. I’ve decided this now.

1. Build a brick a wall — preferably in a place that won’t be an irritant to anyone else (e.g public car park) or that won’t effectively brick yourself in.

2. Cut an umbilical cord / deliver a baby — preferably your own. Do not decide on a whim to do this to a stranger.

3. Admit infront of a small crowd of semi-familiar ‘White Van Men’ types that for a million pounds you would pleasure another man.

4. Eat one of those sausages from a corner shop fridge that look massively unappealing and dangerous — and ideally when paying, snort and then take a bite out of it infront of the shop assistant.

Now, I can’t talk really as out of them lot I’ve only eaten a sausage and admitted that I would whore myself for a fortune. But I think it’s important we strive for these things in life. We are after all…Men.

…And to you sir that has done all four manly tasks, may I just say- hats off.

Much love,

T x