Dear Lily Allen

Dear Lily,

Exactly how much are you being paid to go on this sickening crusade against piracy?

Do you really expect me to believe that this is a subject that bothers you so much you feel the need to become some sort of idiotic spokesperson for the ailing music industry megabuckers? Are you upset because when you said “daddy, can I be a pop star” you imagined that the income would be even fucking higher than it already is for you? Should you have asked daddy to make you a glamour model? Or a Bond villain? Or a soap star? (oh, you’re too rough for Hollyoaks, soz) Or any other fucking thing his mates down at the Groucho club could have made you?

You don’t give a shit about musicians, they’re just the dudes who stand behind you while you churn out under-average performance after under-average performance. You are not a musician, you have never been in a band, you have never struggled, you have no passion for music, all you wanted was for your dad to make you one of the cool kids. You fucking corporate pig. Good old Dad, getting his mates to spend weeks in the studio writing you a bunch of tunes so you could be famous. You weren’t even there! I know, because I was the fucking runner! Mayfair studios, in Primrose Hill, bringing your dad and Alex James tea and biscuits for a hundred quid a week. Fuuuucking sweet job!

I can see it now, all the grey faced, Eastenders-addled drones, stumbling, slack jawed down to HMV to write that great wrong they have done by downloading music. They saw you in the metro and you really struck a chord with them! Yes, Lily is right, must buy CD’s or the world will collapse!

Yeah fucking right it will, who on earth will pick the bands to force into 360 deals now that all the pretty girls with the well connected fathers aren’t clogging the A&R departments? Who will be left to use their job title to get them into the Kanye after-party so they can maybe get to let him spunk on their face in the bogs? What will the fucking world do?

Nothing, it’ll do nothing you twat. All the fucking proper musicians living on the breadline will just keep doing the same thing, playing the music they want to play and maybe there will be less dickhead popularity whores like yourself flouncing around the stage at Glastonbury next year.

Get out of the papers love, you’re making a dick of yourself, you’re a popstar, thats all, good for nothing but drinking cocktails and wiggling around on Callum Best’s lap in some shit aftershow in the West End until he takes you home, ties you up and fucks you like a pig. You don’t really like it, but it’s Callum Best!!! If you want people to take more notice of you, maybe walk up to Primrose Hill and get your horrible gash out while walking your dog or something? Maybe you’ll get lucky and some paparazzi slug will take a snap that’ll end up in the Daily sport, that’ll shift a few units for you, and that’s what it’s all about eh???

Wanker.

Alan.x

Edited 25th of Sept to add:
Because we realise people are getting quite heated I thought it was only right that I post a serious topic about this. Here it is

Kenny X

53 thoughts on “Dear Lily Allen

  1. Pingback: Liliy Allen has a go at older artists - Page 2

  2. Pingback: Lily Allen doesn’t like downloads, Alan doesn’t like Lily Allen | Cougar Microbes are marching in like army ants...

  3. A masterful dissection of the whole affair, I’m sure.

    Sadly though, it’s fairly likely that the whole speech was yet another slightly depressing grasp for getting written about and, lo and behold, here’s you (and indeed me) writing about her. It’s like a teenage girl acting like an arsehole in order to get a boy to notice her, but not making the intellectual leap of realising that despite attracting his attention, it’ll also change the way he sees her.

    Do you think she wants to be on our next record?

  4. +1 interwebs is one more than you had before. It’s a good thing. In fact, have +1 interwebz on me as well. So now you have two more than you did before. Yay!!!!

  5. Hey I hate Lily ALlen as much as the next man – but after reading this – and enjoying it immensely – I nipped over to your Myspace page to check out your music. As soon as I did that I thought to myself ‘Oh sh1t I’ve fallen into the trap!’ Nice one – post a withering diatribe against someone in order to gain notoriety and some sort of online presence and thus, eventually, more plays on your myspace! Maybe not – I hope not but who knows. Just a thought :-) I just hope you’re not as bad as her, that’s all!

  6. Alan,

    Got to be honest. I think this is a steaming pile of dog shit.

    You come off as a jealous and rather bitter individual – it’s interesting to me that you pick off the low hanging fruit – attacking Lily Allen for who she’s related to and the usual bullshit ‘proper’ musician snobbery without addressing the issue at hand.

    Lily Allen may not be a ‘proper’ musician in your esteemed eyes but she’s enjoyed a fair bit more success than you thus far. Must hurt, eh? She’s probably more a musician than you’ll ever be, mate.

    Oh, and ‘irate young men’? Don’t make me fucking laugh. I listened to your tunes and all I hear is by-the-numbers wet indie complete with boring rigid right hand riffing and rinsed chord progressions. There’s more “Fire” at the bottom of the fucking Pacific ocean, and a similar amount of talent too.

    The suggestion that the world needs more of your type of mediocrity and less of Lily Allen’s is like saying we need more boiled shit and less of the fried stuff.

    Still you’ve stirred up a bit of controversy and that’s the name of the game eh? Well enjoy it, because listening to your tunes it could well be the highlight of your careers.

    • With around 20 hits per day on our blog you’ve hit the nail on the head mate. We await a response from Lily’s representatives.

      Think you’ve caught the wrong end of the stick about that irritability there. I was actually referring to our previous rants on this blog but hey, ho.

      I needn’t have to point this out either. But there you go.

      KennyX

      • ‘There’s more “Fire” at the bottom of the fucking Pacific ocean’
        First thing i thought of too.

        Best blog post ever btw.

        Now time to check your music,

      • Boom,

        Bez gets owned.

        Yo Bez, I’m really happy for you, and ima let you finish but… Simon Cowell has the best critique of the decade…

  7. someone posted this on one of the techdirt allen threads and here i am and i will be checking out your myspace site. although this is full of flowery language i wouldn’t use and maybe a perspective that comes off as bitter, as a schleping artist myself who is not in it for the monies (no i am not lying about that really. i want an arts related career but nothing in the industry. i would rather give down than become a corporate shill), but i did have a laugh at this post. a handshake from another artist across the pond.

      • lol. thanks for the link. that fightclub list was very amusing because we’re already living it. my teacher today told the whole class (get ready for some shake your head but entirely correct wisdom) that if we want to be do better (aka be rich) we have to learn that being nice and normal will never do. people who play the game and game the system do a lot of things that some might not and that’s what pays off. they risk. they use any means possible to get ahead and are egomaniacs. granted the whole class was shocked (not really because we were laughing), but we realized that he’s giving us the downlow on what really goes on in society.

  8. Wow…what a fucking bitter person you show yourself to be.

    “fucks you like a pig”

    If you treated women with some respect there may be a possibility of losing your virginity. A long shot I know.

    • You should treat bald ginger men with some respect. They get a whole lotta loving too, you know.

      I’ll put this in terms your sensationalizing brain can comprehend: Alan has no issue with womEn. He knows a couple. One of his best friends once used to hang out with women. So long as they don’t take our jobs Alan has nothing against them.

      He does however have an issue with womAn…. and one he feels has swine-like qualities.

      Go back to reading the Daily Mail.

    • Pete,

      (if that is your real name. Which it is not.)

      An interesting point, and I’d like to take this opportunity to rape you for your contribution to the debate.

      You should be advised that no matter how vehemently you defend the honour of the women around you, it will not change the weather of luck in the arid, baron desert of your pants. They do not like you. You are too small.

      The most you can hope for is an unsolicited buggering in the event that you and I cross paths some fateful evening. I should warn you to grab a hit of that new Thai vaccine while you can, though- when you feel my jagged phallus creep across your ill-armed battlements, the ingress of disease will be tangible and swift.

      Did I mention gay sex? I think I did. You may leave.

  9. The number of Daily Mail/Mirror reading, easily incensed, conclusion jumping asshats leaping forth at the entirely wrong conclusion like olympic pole vaulting champion lemmings is hilarious.

    Yes Alan is bitter and more than a little hateful. Its why we love him. The fact that when he wears his mirrored aviator shades with his hood up he looks like a ginger Unabomber just makes him more like a lovable cantankerous bastard.

    None of this, however, changes how wildly some of you have missed the point of his argument. Dear Lilly is a shill, a puppet , nothing more than a corporately controlled mouthpiece. I’m sure that if you look clearly in some photos you can see an arm of either EMI’s finance, legal or PR departments peeping out from twixt her legs. Uncomfortably inserted, where only Callum Best and half of Primrose Hill have been before. Wearing her like a glove. In interviews she comes across as one of those hateful little spoiled brats at school who were not nearly bright enough or pretty enough to get anywhere on there own but relied instead on Daddies power and wealth to get them what they wanted. What do you really think the chances of the (admittedly well prepared if flawed arguments) “she” she made to the press actually coming from her instead of being written by a PR department from the bowels of EMI?

    For those of you I am referring to above* I offer this advice:
    The next time you wish to rip into the views of someone else, be it on the internet, in person or merely behind their back, STOP. Think about what you are saying. Make sure you argument is thought through. Make sure your witty remarks don’t have the kind of errors you you could drive a small continent through (Yes BEZ I am referring to you. Go read up on plate tectonics and apologize for your breathtaking stupidity. I swear, just reading, your comment cost me a couple of IQ points and I WANT THEM BACK). Once you have done this ask yourself one important question.
    “Will this reply make me seem like a reactionary twat?”
    If you think the answer might even be yes I would advise not to make the post/saying anything. Im not sure you should be allowed the oxygen of oxygen let alone the oxygen of publicity.

    Just a thought. Though one I admit is probably lost on the people it is most pertinent for.

    *If you’re not sure if this applies to you ask yourself these questions:
    Did Alan’s post make me angry?
    Do I read either the Daily Mail or Mirror?
    Is my IQ hovering around room temperature?
    Do I know nothing about what I am about to say?
    If you considered answering yes to any some or all of these then yes it applies to you you ignorant fuckface.

  10. Somethingson,

    (if that’s your real name…)

    you might have liked to have taken that opportunity – but you can’t. You are boring and predictable and I know that you wank and cry at the same time

    • Mark Philanthropolist,

      (I won’t bother speculating as to the veracity of your name in this instance; no parent is that cruel.)

      What I will say, though is that, nigga if you come at the king, expect to get fucked-up, for real. I’m up in this gosh-darned joint, be all like, ‘what the fudge did you say to me?’ and shit, no doubt. You had better ask somebody, homes, because I be ordering my soldiers out on a daily basis for executions and whatnot.

      And for the record, I only ever cry after I wank, so shows how much you know, doesn’t it.

  11. Pingback: Radio Clash Mash Up Podcast - a podcast of mixes, mash-ups, and more since November 2004! - one of England's longest running podcasts! » Blog Archive » These files are your files, aka Fuck You Very Much Lily

  12. Aaaii?! You alright there my little gaity?

    I’ve seen you cry while you wank, I know you I’ve seen you, I can smell you now.

    And. Are you comin at me nigga? Cos anyone who gets up in my grill, be gettin a flame grilled lickin for sho. And I aint talking about your sweet little puckered up rectum either

    You not the king, I’m the mother fucking King you just don’t know it yet . Only thing you the King of – You the King of Ging You ginger ballbag licking Ginger bean flickin Hermaphrodite you wanna fight you can go fly a kite I’ll set this mother fuckin page alight fight fire with fire you in the mire, hold your jaw still, feel the wire I’ll silencce you fucker with more wit and satire, than you hold in your mind a humiliation you’ll find will weaken your kind cos I’ behind enemy lines you’ll see the signs of this new kid in rhyme, this is my time, you’re dead and gone, so run along, get back to that ginger dong, you know I’m too strong you know you got it all wrongI fight like a fighter, I speak like a speaker I’m whiter than whiter I’m makin you weaker I float like a butterfly, I sting like a bee I’m king of this page now, I’m Muhammed Clay

    • Really Mark? You actually said that?

      I was hoping I might have just nodded off and had a really bad dream about a much worse rapper.

      Your lyrics are dusty. Like, pathetic. And the saddest part about that is that, as poor as it was, it wasn’t even freestyle. You actually wrote that down and said to yourself, ‘that’s a keeper.’

      Quote: “you wanna fight, go can fly a kite.” I want you to look long and hard at that phrase, and when you wake up tonight in a waterfall of perspiration, cuddling your sodden dolly-wog, I want you to think, ‘wow. I actually said that.’

      I’ve written lyrics that could write better lyrics than yours.

  13. Ok if you’re going to quote me, get it right. If I had written go can fly a kite I would weep. You. Moron. You can’t read, you can’t write. And I love that you think I actually think I wrote that down first! i think anyone who reads that entry will clearly see the usual outpouring of disgust for you – you can’t plan something like that. besides which, I’m still at work. Undoubtedly unlike you, you scum bag infected diseased worthless blind moronic retarded excuse for a nasty man. The only freestyling you could do is a freestyle wet eyed wank over a photograph of myself

    • Wherefore this peculiar preoccupation with lachrymose masturbation, Muhammed?
      Can I call you that, or is it still Mr Clay?

      I was rather hoping you would regurgitate your second-favourite rap in response, but evidently that was your only one. Shame; it seems I wasted a call to the Wu-Tang clan.

      If I had a photo of you, I very much doubt I would wank onto it. Semen leaves a sticky residue which mixes with the surface and obfuscates the image, making it much harder for me to track you down and slowly defile your mangled torso as your lifeless eyes watch from the other side of the room, rolling around in the sockets of your ugly, severed skull.

      Go on, rap again. Pleeeease.

      • /pulls out a pack of sausages and burgers….
        Been a while since i saw a good flame war.

        Somewhere out there 2 bridges are missing their trolls.

  14. Crikey. Is this the very Mark Philippoussis who has never won a major Tennis Grand Slam! We are honoured to have you here! I am sorry to hear that you are broke, single and living with your Mother.

  15. >Yes Alan is bitter and more than a little hateful. Its why we love him. The fact that when he wears his mirrored aviator shades with his hood up he looks like a ginger Unabomber just makes him more like a lovable cantankerous bastard.

    your alan sound like THE man. thanks for posting up a message with less flowery language kenny, not that i didn’t read this one more than once. you brits sound like a fun bunch. oh and stop with the rapping because you just made him reply to you and he rapped also. it was not good.

  16. Dave, I take exception to being labelled a troll. I am no such thing. Click on my name and see for yourself.

    I do God’s work on the internet, spreading his message in the hope that when my time finally comes, he will overlook that unpleasant business at the nursery school, for which I have already apologised. They told me they were eighteen.

    Now, back to Lilly Allen. I may have developed a solution. I imagine that the entire kerfuffle would be rendered irrelevant if one were to snap her leg off below the knee, crushing the bone into her face and popping her eyeball with the shards of jagged marrow.

    Then we get her a peg-leg, parrot and patch, and watch the strong breeze of empathy sweep that ignorant mist from the poop deck of her mind.

    To truly understand your adversary, you must first hobble a mile in his shoe.

    Visit http://www.somethingson.com to see why you’re a cunt.

  17. Shut up now somethingson – no one’s interested. Yes, you like rape – yes you like threatening to kill people in a macabre fashion yes you like using long words and you know what, you might even be fairly intelligent – but, please, the joke’s over. A long time ago.

    And by the way the dude, yes I am, the very same! And please don’t judge me too harshly, although I didn’t have a great deal of success in majors I did rise to number one in the world rankings, and that’s why I’m welcome back at my mums. Being single’s ok – I’ve got a wank racket

    • Yeah, I’m bitter as a motherfucker. That’s a fact.

      As far as the runner thing goes, I was a runner at (recently closed down) Mayfair Studios in Primrose Hill from early 2001 to early 2003 and Keith Allen came in with a team of writers to record a bunch of tracks for Lily. Probably saw her about twice the whole time they were there.

      Having never had the misfortune to hear it, I don’t know if it ever made it onto the end product, but he was also getting actors to come in and record these shit monologues to go between songs, it was fucking embarrassing.

      Just to give you an idea of the money Daddy was spunking on this venture, Coldplay, Blur, Sugababes, Busted, Robbie Williams, U2, Bryan Adams and a shit loads of others all used the same studio while I was there. We’re talking a grand a day just for the room.

      Oh, and those actors I mentioned coming in to do the monologues, one of them was Danny Dyer.

  18. Wow.

    After two days since anyone touched the topic, I had presumed this joke was over. Until I get an email telling me Mark Phillopoustis-malaka has resurrected a dead thread just to tell everybody that the thread is dead.

    Thanks for the announcement you pointless fraud, but I think we all figured that out on our own.

    But you knew that. You just like to perpetuate a conflict that you pretend not to want to be in, don’t you. You’re that guy that tries to finish an argument with the phrase ‘you always have to have the last word’.
    I think they’re called hypocrites.

    BUT, you do correctly and most astutely observe both my ‘fair’ intelligence and my aching predilection for dismemberment and coercive intercourse, and for that I commend you. Though I find myself in the majority in that respect- according to statistics, 9 out of 10 people enjoy a gang rape.

    Anyway, are you really ‘the’ Mark Thingy? I can’t decide.
    It would be a little more obvious if your user name was Johnny Depp, or anyone else who hadn’t spunked their life up a toilet wall, but I can’t quite fathom why anyone would pretend to be a bankrupt, washed-up reality TV star who once spent a couple of months not being shit at tennis.
    Baffling.

    So maybe you are him. If so, then the joke is not, as you say, over. In fact, I believe it has just begun.

  19. Pingback: Ice to Meet You «

    • I don’t think it went sexist. I assume you’re talking about the “fucks you like a pig” bit? That is a reference to a person being so desperate to impress and gain attention from another person they they may well allow them to perform sexual acts that they do not particularly enjoy.

      If you don’t think anyone has ever been fucked in a way they didn’t like, but put up with it because they want to spend time with the person, you’re thinking the wrong thing.

  20. ” I can see it now, all the grey faced, Eastenders-addled drones, stumbling, slack jawed down to HMV to write that great wrong they have done by downloading music. ”

    Write that great wrong? Proof-read your rants before you post them. Spelling errors like that just make you look like an egotistical dick.

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