Dear Cottager

To Whom it may concern,

I am very pleased to find out that you recently came across our blog and music by entering, cottaging east london, into an internet search engine. We hope that you do find relevant information that helps you on your adventure into the world of cottaging in east london and that you weren’t too disappointed with our lack of knowledge, information and direction on the issue.

All the Best with your endeavours and we hope you at least enjoyed our songs,

Kick Up The Fire

Help I’m trapped in a circle!

Love loves everyone,

…except the people who defend the necessity for a queue when there is no blinding point!

TESCO recently introduced a salad bar in their supermarket near where I work. I have frequented it with colleagues on many occasions since its grand opening. I am sure that they weren’t expecting people like me and my colleagues and had prepared to welcome  the people who think like sheep and behave like sheep category.

Over time, we have established various strategies and techniques to maximising the amount of salad that we can gather into our ‘little buckets of joy’, occasionally taunting each other with grand statements of ‘I’m a PRO at this GAME’ across the rectangular salad bar at the bemusement to others, who silently shuffle their way round.

I do understand that there may be some moral objections to the TESCO salad bar, but to beat the system you have to join it right…

The more popular frequenting the salad bar has become with local worker bees, the higher the chance that you will be welcomed by the sight of a good old fashioned British tradition, a queue.

I hold my hand up and do state that there are certain social benefits to having a queue, but believe that whoever starts the queue is the King of the queue and decides upon the queue’s rules…. However, at what point does a queue start and when that point has been reached and that queue starter leaves, has a new queue started. A tricky subject.

Pointless queue’s anger me. I was needing just the finishing touches to a masterpiece salad when I realised that this queue was going nowhere. It had in fact turn into a ring of people holding empty ‘buckets of joy’ circling the salad bar. People standing holding an empty ‘bucket of joy’ and blocking bowls of various salad options because in their little minds they were observing and following the rules of the queue, without actually knowing the rules of the queue!

I left this circular queue that had been created around me and walked around towards where the bowl of carrot shavings had been placed. I hesitantly approached a woman holding an empty bowl and a blank expression on her face, who happened to be beside the bowl of shaved carrots. Somewhat surprised that instead of dipping into the bowl of delicious looking shaved carrots, she was standing facing the other direction.

I thought that this was most peculiar, as the man she was facing was also doing the exactly the same, as the person in front of him was…. I started to think that there was something wrong with the shaved carrots!

 “Excuse me, will you be having any of the shaved carrots?”

 “I think you will find that there is a queue!

 “Oh that’s alright, I just want to have some carrots” (gesticulating using my soon to be complete ‘bucket of joy’ – hoping that she would understand that I was close to completing what I had started)

“Well I just need carrots and then I’m off….(hmmm while I’m here I will quickly pop some sweetcorn on there. cheeky)

 I make a sharp exit and bid my farewell to the queue police;

 “There you go, one less person in the queue”

 THIS WAS A BLOODY CIRCULAR QUEUE! WITH NO BEGINNING AND NO END!

 People just walking round and round and round. Where does one join. Where is the end of this queue, does anyone know? This person could have been shuffling in a circle around this salad bar for the whole of her lunch break!

If the queue is pointless, break the queue! So the moral of my queue jumping experience. Just because there are lots of people standing in a circle trying to get somewhere, never assume that they have exhausted all other possible options of how to get to where they want to be, maybe they just like standing in a circle.

 X S

A conversation with a drunk…

Dear Lovers,

The other night, I was walking back along the Strand.

What I didn’t expect to see was a utterly smashed man ‘suited and booted’ standing pretty much in the middle of street urinating. As I approached I decided that this behavior was just ungentlemanly and I won’t tolerate it, especially since I was holding it in until I got to Oscar Wilde’s portable toilet.

So I gave him a rollicking “That’s disgusting, your disgusting”. Obviously at distance from being sprayed. He muttered some threatening grumbles about how he was going to fight me, as he fought to try and not urinate on his own heavily polished soon to spoiled ‘smart’ shoes.

I then advised him of the portable toilet near the Oscar Wilde monument and he preceded to take one step forward and one step back.

I received a thumbs up from a passerby and some friendly people started taunting the unlucky drunk chap. Not noticing a friendly woman filming me and him, I started to give him a lecture on responsible drinking and responsible weeing, as he started to hug a homeless woman in a wheel chair who was having non of it and set her uber-passive dog on him. It was all a very British-like.

It reminded me that in Japan, it’s actually legal for businessmen to urinate in public. I think we should stand up more against this ‘suit and booted’ aggression on our streets! Then this afternoon, a pleasant weekend stroll to a city centre cafe and a walker crashes into the back of me, huffs and tuts and then continues to storm around the corner. ( Hey, I’m walking ereeeeeee)

So I shouted out I did;

“Hey, you walked into me….!”
Walker turns and looks behind at me, while continuing to walk at speed..
“Yeah but I didn’t say anything”
How fun it would have been if he crashed into the Scientologist standing in front of him at that point!
“Yeah exactly, you walked into me and tutted buddy. Have a nice day”

This aggression will not stand!

X S

Idea for modern diet plan.

So I don’t watch TV much. I didn’t own one until my girlfriend moved in. For those of you that share my displeasure of watching advert reels every seven seconds that sell you their product the way a maniac would smother a victim with a cushion, this one is for you. From the honeymoon holiday ads that promise a childless empty swimming pool all year round so you can romantically fornicate in peace under a starry sky, to the bank that tells you it’s actually your friend and although momentarily sorry for it’s earth shattering hiccups of yesterday, would at a moments notice, be willing to even come round and offer you a handjob should you feel the desire.

Anyways, that’s not my point. We already know the advertising industry is sick place where everyone looks like a character from a Francis Bacon painting and crouches behind your sofa at night gathering ideas on how to sell you shit.

My point is how nasty diet adverts are. And what is ‘A proper dinner’? Weight watchers image of a proper dinner was a single runner bean being spooned onto a plate to join two famine-suffering new potatoes.

Now I’m not on a diet, but if I was I think I would have devised the perfect diet. You see most of these revolve around pretending to come up with a product that slims you or that works with your bodily functions or metabolism when really all it’s doing is making you forget the fact that you’ve gone from eating a sack of cheese based fried things to eating a daily pot of something that looks like it’s made for people that have lost ability to chew.

So without further ado, let me introduce my diet, bullshit and all;

The Sausage diet.

“Hey there tubby! Did you know that eating three sausages a day actually lowers your heart rate and boots your metabolism into speedy action. Simply follow this easy to use daily plan and watch the inches fall off your chubby little backside. Good luck! And remember, buy any 10 pack of sausages and get a free tub of ice cream, you worthless pudding, you!”

Breakfast – 1 Sausage (dry). Then go for a very long run.

Lunch – 1 Sausage (dry). Then go for another run.

Dinner – 1 sausage (dry). Have a run.

Much Love,

T x

Upper Crust

Congratulations to the Chief Turds of Shit Mountain at Upper Crust sandwich outlet. You have finally upped the price of a bread roll complete with an apology of a slice of ham and sliver of cheese to over £4. You took your time I could tell, but well done, you took the step.

Previous to this, I also liked your pick’n’mix half baguettes for 2.50, knowing that the greedy son-of-bitches would want more than just one half baguette. 2 for 5 pound which is one normal baguette for a quid more expensive. Nice work guys, no one saw that coming.

On the other hand, cheers for the voucher that said ‘any baguette for £2′. I took full advantage before realizing that because I don’t frequent your bullshit expensive establishment more that twice a year when pissed at Charing Cross station, I have now doubled my attendance. You clever little sods you.

I get that you want Upper Crust to soar to the same heights at both sandwich giants Pret or Eat, and you big wigs are never satisfied with one yacht, but sometimes you have to be realistic. You are no better than Delice De France, of whom look no further than offering melted cheesey snacks at a price not too dissimilar to one of your pairs of slacks. know your place Upper Crust.

Also, word to the wise. No one buys your tuna baguette. There’s always seventeen of them left over at the end of the night and not even the homeless and starving people you really should give them to at the end of the night would chow down on the hot mayonaise infused vomit that smells like a feted pond. You’ll thank me later.

Just incase we’re unclear in anyway. I think you’re assholes.

Much love,

T x

Link

This bloke James Rhodes wrote an article in the Guardian about how no matter what, you should ‘find what you love and let it kill you’.

James Rhodes wasn’t born a talented concert pianist, he made himself learn his craft as that’s what he ultimately wanted to do. You read so many of those books and articles about escaping your mundane job to really do what you want to do etc but this one really had a sense of confident abandon and a head screwed on.

I had a think about what I love that I would do until it killed me and I could only think of two things i’d want to do that I would consider going to an early grave for. I cut out Fireman (I’m too short and smoke too much), Lion Tamer (Too scared of lions), Bounty Hunter (The hours are too long), and Jewel Thief (I’m too stupid). However music would really be my first choice. The second thing i’d probably do until it killed me would be self-pleasuring. Of course the latter doesn’t really neccessitate training or craft, nor would it kill you unless you were into some pretty gnarly stuff. Lets be honest, we’re all friends here.

Anyways, here it is:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2013/apr/26/james-rhodes-blog-find-what-you-love

Much love,

T

Belvita biscuits are just rich teas sandwiching bodily fluids

Been a while this time! How you doing? That’s a nice pair of trousers you have.

So life finally got in the way a little bit. We’ve all been off doing separate things and making our way in the world but are now back and going to start bombarding you again with all the things us bastards are doing. Which is cool, right?

Firstly, the awesome gentleman known as Tom Robinson invited us on his BBC6 show to do a live session. We recorded three songs, one old, two new and talked with him about writing our upcoming debut album. We also met the awesome fella that is Craig Charles as he was finishing his DJ session. You can hear this session HERE.

Secondly we’re finally working on our debut album. We’ve been heavily listening to early 1960’s surf bands such as The Crossfires, The Pyramids, Johnny and the Hurricaines and Duane Eddy, and mixing them in with our blend of dance beats and punk vocals. It should be cool. We’ll be posting snippets online here as we go as well as posting reviews of stuff we’re listening to.

Lastly, on a purely personal note, I have never really liked cardigans. I feel they are an unnecessarily awful and ugly garment and not countless hipsters or Nirvana Unplugged will change my opinion. Sorry, but that’s just how I feel. I don’t know what a snood is by the way but I already hate them.

See you soon and thanks for all your support. Hopefully see you in a dirty club soon. Oh, and before we go, if you haven’t heard Diamonds by The Boxer Rebellion, it’s a great tune. We heard it through BBC’s speakers and it sounded awesome.

Yours,

Andrew (Wildebeast), Kenny (Sir Wordsworth), Marek (The Rocket Scientist) and Thom (Thomosexual)